If you don’t have a man, you’re worthless.

It seems like men and women are usually treated as members of different species. This is largely the fault of men who think they know things and can lead anything more than a good ole “hoo-rah” at a rally. That’s not to say it’s entirely men’s fault since saying so would suggest that men are inherently different from women. It’s well-known and well-documented that women have also been very much involved in keeping the lady down.

The first major problem was the complete exclusion of women from medical sciences in patriarchal societies. While it wouldn’t be a concern for members of the same species with most of the same body parts for one particular subsection to assume some major role in its society, there are slight differences between men and women as far as anatomy is concerned. See the image below for examples.

Yes, this is real and it is really for sale.

Yes, this is real and it is really for sale.

Unfortunately for us, the people who put themselves in charge of medicine tended to think that testicles were the awesomest part of anything (and the belief still lingers today) and that titties were there to be admired and to protect a lady’s heart and lungs from her husband’s fists. Let’s also mention that it was and still is a stream of thought that the clitoris doesn’t exist despite many people (including men) having seen lots of them. A physician by the name of Andreas Vesalius put forward the hypothesis that women with clitorises were actually hermaphrodites and that the clitoris was actually a tiny penis.

Some in the medical community are still debating things like whether women actually ever have an orgasm and if the g-spot is really a thing. As a female who has had a few dozen orgasms in her life, I can assure you that female orgasms do exist. Why people are still debating this mystifies me. Of course, women have also been treated as some sort of weird alien creatures that experience this thing called “hysteria” that, curiously, was treated by bringing her to orgasm. Hence, the invention of the vibrator. Of course, this meant that women could never be included in medical trials because they were just so weird and stuff. I mean, they don’t have penises or anything.

So, with that really quick rundown of gender studies, why is it that people insist on thinking that a woman must be in a relationship to have any sort of value? According to the Bible, it’s because they have to hurry up and find a home to stay in so that they can pop out some guy’s babies and cook him dinner every night. Another site tried to throw out some hypotheses as to why it’s just dandy for a man to hump whoever while a woman is supposed to … wait… to be humped? Or maybe men are sharing the same few women or are having tons of gay sex? I’m not sure how that disparity cited in the article works exactly since having sex implies having a partner to have that sex with. Here’s my hypothesis – no one should care because it doesn’t matter. The only reason anyone cares is because they are taught to care. Sexism, like racism and general motor care, tend to be taught in the home and community. It isn’t shocking to me that a stupid thought would be passed down for generations. People still think or suspect that you’re supposed to wrap a baby up in blankets when s/he has a fever. Is it any wonder that people are also confused or misinformed on other topics? I would think not.

Being in a relationship isn’t good for you or even the ideal. Sometimes, it feels nice to have someone accept you for the horrible and disgusting person you think you are, but the problem is more likely to be in that you think you’re a horrible and disgusting person and not so much that you don’t have a person who accepts you for it. There are so many ridiculous guides and discussions about what women “need to know” about men to snag, keep, cajole, or trick him into staying with you as opposed to humping anything that shows signs of life. Now, I don’t want my point to be misconstrued – all of these guides are completely stupid and the people who wrote them are probably completely oblivious to that fact. If you read these guides looking for advice (or worse, if you write something this stupid), you are doing the same thing to men that has been done to women – you’re reducing them to the status of an adventurous dog that must be kept within a fence or an artifact that must be kept in a glass case to prevent sticky-fingered bitches from taking it from you.

People are individuals. Everyone has their own hopes, dreams, aspirations, likes, and favorite condiments. If you are struggling with being single, you may have lost sight of that fact. If you can’t learn to love a person as an individual and accept that, no matter what you do, you will never be able to control them, then you are probably better off being single. It has nothing to do with deserving or earning the right to a relationship so much as it does learning what a relationship really means. It’s not acquiring property. And, if you’re the kind of person who is desperate to be married off so that you can take some stranger’s last name as a sign that you matter to the world, you deserve nothing higher than to be considered someone else’s property. Once you give up your humanity, how can you really expect to be taken seriously? On the other hand, if you very much want to be in a relationship and your partner disagrees with decisions you’ve made (either insisting that you change your name, be submissive, or otherwise conform your behavior and future to fit his idea of marriage), then perhaps he isn’t seeing you as a person either.

I was married young and I often regret it. I didn’t change my name and I got hell for it. My reasoning was simple – you fell in love with me as Jaxy Baine, why would I become Jaxy Smith? Besides, my name is awesome and you know it. Even though I was desperate for approval and love because of a sad history, I needed to know who I was. I needed my identity. Changing that meant snatching the bedrock upon which I wanted to build a foundation for my life. In the days leading up to my wedding, there were screaming and shoving matches over this very issue. I realized and asked that question – do you want me or will any woman do? Some other woman who isn’t me might be willing to change her identity for you, but I’m not. Why are you trying to force me to be just like someone I’ve never been and don’t want to be?

The reaction was that of silence. He had no answer for me. For whatever foolish reason, I went along with the wedding. I regret to say that I was in dire straits at the time. I was homeless and had very little money. The man I was marrying came from a wealthy family and would be able to help me make it through graduate school. I didn’t want to think that my relationship had been reduced to marrying because I had to, but that was all that was ever there. He needed to marry someone to prove that he was credible to his family and I needed someone to make sure I didn’t have to skip any more meals to pay the rent. To say that I am in a loveless marriage is to pound that nail so hard on the head, it burrows a hole right through the wood. I got married because I was young and stupid, desperate for someone’s approval, but still struggling to figure out who I wanted to be.

So, I offer that tidbit to highlight the necessity of marrying the person rather than the penis. Penises are everywhere, unfortunately. You will find one that is attached to a person you love and who loves you. Love and respect must go both ways or you will end up having regrets. A man who respects you will never ask or demand that you change the core of your identity. After all, (to borrow from Pirates of the Caribbean) how can he love you for what you are if you’re anything but what you are?

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